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November 09 2014

BLUEtwo

I dont know what is wrong with me. I dont feel happy even when i am trying to be happy. I dont want to jump to any conclusion and say i have depression but it deeply hurts me to hear my aunt say i am anxious all the time. Its exhasting. Its painful and i dont want to go through this anymore. I just want to move on and be okay. I dont know if i should be on meds but i know that my life has gotten harder to deal with alone. I'm happy. I'm not sad most the time but i feel on the edge constantly. I think I need to talk to the doctor about this. I think i really need to write down when i start to feel bad and track it to see what triggers it and decide if this is a issue i should treat with meds or not. I want to be a well adjusted person. Honestly, there are parts of me i dont like. I like many parts of me but i dont like how in control i have to be. I dont like how worried i get, how i dont trust others. I dont like how critical i was with nick. I feel bad. I dont know how to fix it. I worry its just "who i am" like what he said. I believe that he was right in the way that i was concerned about him for my own motives. But my motives weren't like using him. They were to fall in love, to have a family to be married to him. But not the him as he was. This is the issue. I wanted him to care more about his appearance, to put more effort into showing he appreciated me, into gifts, into me in general. I think a big factor was i wanted nick to try harder than nick wanted to try at being responsible, being a bf and being the person i wanted him to be. I dont know if i can love someone exactly as they are. Is this normal. I have always dated people and wished they were more of this, less of that. Is this normal?


I dont fucking know what normal is and its driving me nuts.

December 27 2013

BLUEtwo
I have gained like seriously 10 lbs and I am stressed out and I'm just fucking stressed about my house. I don't want to be so cramped here. In general i feel im expanding. my body, my size, my closet...just pretty unhappy with the current state of this shit. I KNOW im not ready to live with nick but part of me wants him to ask me to live with him when his lease is up in May. I can't really afford to move out on my own out of this place. So i think i will just start storing some things at donna's and start slowly weeding out the crap i don't need here. I need to make this place manageable. I can make this work. It sucks but i can make it work. I mean maybe i could look at apartments in the 500 dollar a month range. that wouldn't be bad and i could be closer to cerner and i could get insurance. Maybe a one bedroom with space for a living room with actual furniture. I don't know. I just don't own anything and I need to spend time building up my savings as quickly as possible.

I should be proud of myself. I can lose 10lbs. I need to stop focusing on that. I should be proud of my degree. I mean god, seriously. Someday my life wont be so hectic.

Someday i will get it organized. but until then just deep breaths. don't feel like you won't get to where you want again. It will happen. Let your self be as you are until then.

And heres my free for all bitch fest.

So i am mad at all the crappy presents i got. Like seriously people? pretty disappointed in the crap nick got me, which was just that...mostly crap. The book was surprising and cute, i liked his note. The Rumi book was cute too. Obviously he wants me to be reading. Maybe i should start reading again.

October 14 2013

BLUEtwo
what if he digs his feet in? and i can't just let him be that way even if it is just kari. it looks bad, it feels wrong. those are my boundaries. but on so many other accounts he is much better with my boundaries than other people. I mean if im going to treat this like this is the one then we both need to bend a bit. because yes, i feel we are important. so no ultimatums. but at the same time, he has to understand why i feel this why and make some small boundaries with his female friends, or anyone he is attracted to. this will be my plan or course of action.
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Reposted byitemize itemize
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...a nad obojczykiem, który Ci ślicznie wyszedł na fotografii, masz w samym środku takie cudowne wgłębienie...czy kiedyś pozwolisz mi je wypełnić ustami?
Reposted fromnowelovestory nowelovestory viahandsomes handsomes
BLUEtwo
After spending 4,000 + dollars on a new car i come back to almost the same fucking issue. Also its not such a easy thing to find. so far *knocks on wood* i haven't seen any negative feedback from the car. If i can make it to graduation, get a second job or one good one maybe i could just pay to fix it. i mean it has under 90,000 miles on it. why not. unlike the other one that had multiple issues, body damage, 170,000 on it and broken windsheilds etc etc. I will make it. Just gotta fucking believe in myself. Too many things going wrong in my life right now to deal with all this shit. My health is on the decline. My money is dwindling, my relationship may not be as stable or as awesome as i previous thought. My weight is up, my cat is sick, my car is AGAIN fucking broken, im job hunting and heard nothing back. I have applied to 20 places. about 20. jarrett isn't talking to me, dad isn't fucking worth my time. ben and me are on the downward spiral. lori...oh lord i won't even begin to talk about how bad that situation is and will be in the future. I just need a job and i feel like either way im settling for something less than i will enjoy, something else i despise. is this life? just letting people stamp you down into this mold? letting men do as they please and compiling just to have someone around? Constantly searching for friends but never retaining them. Constantly battling numbers? I'm just at odds with my cars, at odds with my house. it always seems to be dirty. I always seem to be short on time, fucking fighting against something.

and nick. i really felt he was the one. i feel so stupid for even thinking like that again. Everytime we argue i just fucking lose it all. thats not love, thats just a crush.  i must not really love him or i wouldn't just lose my feelings when he becomes annoying.

i mean i still care. i just fucking am mad. im just fed up. He is so nice to me but he has no idea how to relate to me and i fear a lack of things in common a lack of a solid future for us. He is much more of a partier than me. his stupid wine tasting trips and his friends parties where all they do is drink. His stupid book about us that he refuses to share with anyone. he is so full of himself. he thinks he has some brilliant idea and sharing it would just crush it. And the whole taylor situation..how does he not see that me being put off by that is the normal reaction? I am on the BRINK of my life. im days away from so many possibilities that its crippling. the pressure, the opportunity to fail is HUGE. and if i had faith i would think i might succeed but i just lack faith. look at me, why *would* someone like me succeed? i come from trash, i have no friends, i date a guy far my popular than me with no respect for me. Someone who can't cook, someone who is selfish and judgmental about the world. and all i do is wear rose colored glasses and fall in love and forget to be grounded and honest with myself. I just throw all caution to the wind when obviously he isn't as into me as i am into him. Obviosuly i made the best choice i could with my car. i was strapped for time, for cash, im fucking 23 what do i know about buying cars?? nothing. i do the best with what i have.

and thats not a lot.

i should give myself more credit, more slack but instead i berate and cut myself down. i get mad over 5lbs. i get sad over one bad grade when i have 50 good ones. I get mad over spending money i knew would need to be spent.

this isn't my fault. and im doing the best i can damn it.

i just have to believe that i can make friends, i can find love and i will find a job i don't hate. i can be healthy. and if i can't i just fucking don't know. maybe  will end up like my mom.

July 02 2013

BLUEtwo
I keep losing friends left and right and im grappling with getting closer to nick but honestly im pretty depressed. I feel myself sad and mad a lot for no reason. I have no focus and it annoys me, no control and i don't understand why im so alone. I have a few people but if me and nick broke up and marsha was mad at me who would i have in my life support wise? Emily isn't working out to be a friend just a study buddy. Laura is having a quarter life crisis. Ben is about as interesting as a box of rocks these days. Guess i should plan some meet ups around my schedule and get out there to meet new people and stop bitching about it.

March 26 2013

BLUEtwo
Dreamed for the 2nd time recently that i was planning a trip to Europe. I have a lot of money saved up now. After i graduate i should do that irresponsible thing and take a month to back pack around europe. i could do it. Where would i go?

I am going to spend my time at work researching this.
I could make it happen. I feel it.

March 13 2013

BLUEtwo
have you ever been attracted to someone but at the same time unattracted. i haven't been 100% attracted to someone in a long time.

I also have never found anyone fit the bill so closely to what im looking for and me also be attracted to him on some level so i guess i should try. Its like a good 75% and with the fact that he 1. doesn't do drugs, 2. hasn't slept with a ton of people 3. has a good job and a degree 4. is artsy 5. respects women (this is a BIG one) 6. likes to be out and about (this is bad and good)

more on this later

March 01 2013

BLUEtwo
I seized the moment and asked emily to lunch on saturday. I actually have no hope for either of my dates this weekend with greg or nick. I really like nick. But his texts are pretty random and i sometimes won't hear back from him for a while. Which makes me mad. Its simple to say "hey im busy" or "hey im with friends" he is very popular and always with friends it seems. I don't feel like he would have much time for me actually.

And hopefully sunday goes will with Greg. He always texts back and seems to have more time for me but i won't be able to tell how i feel till i kiss him i guess.

But 10 points for a girls date saturday! whoot.

moving on up

oh also im getting sick :/ i NEVER get sick. fuck this.

February 27 2013

BLUEtwo
Everything and everyone changes.

Its fucking hard to accept. Somedays i guess my sadness just overflows.

more than losing friends losing family sucks. Getting older is like scraping out a wound until it gets used to being open sometimes.

there must be a reason for all this distance. for this lack of connection.


I feel pretty alone. and weepy.

Im crying a lot. I feel like being inside has been bad for me.

thank god for the cat or i would have gone crazy. thank god for hope of the future. I need to be myself 100% and all the rest will follow.

February 25 2013

BLUEtwo
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Crows off my back deck
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BLUEtwo
I couldn't sing loud enough today. My voice wouldn't do what i wanted it too. I would scream the lyrics and sing the lyrics and feel them but my point would never get across. my voice would never do what my heart wants it to. Its a funny disconnect from my body honestly. I want so bad to be good at it and sometimes i just don;'t want to care about being good. I just want to fucking sing.

And so i do. I do all my emotional times in my car.

I cry the most in my car
sing the most in my car
talk it out in my car.


I don't want it to snow. i have to work wednesday. and i actually like this new guy i have been seeing. I want to see him again soon. He is interesting and his kisses are very sweet.

His tongue tastes like it might know what its doing and he listens when i talk.

He makes me laugh. and i want to sleep with him. Its only been our 2nd date. but i already know i would like him to be my #7. We went out today and went sledding and drove around zona rosa, got indian food and made out in his car. great day.

but im still kind of seeing this other dude too.

he is okay. super super smart, great job. Engineer. Took me out to dinner at the melting pot on the plaza saturday and spent like 80 bucks. Im not used to being wined and dined.

idk. what ever happens happens.


went to lauras for the oscars tonight. had a malibu and coke. it was great. her bf drove me so i got to drink as much as i wanted. Sang loudly on the way home till my voice broke and i couldnt' sing anymore.

my soul feels the need to express myself and im not able to do it right now. its frustrating. sexually, emotionally, musically.


I have neglected school ALOT. i honestly haven't studied a lick or read anything at all since the semester started. I have good grades im just not taking it in. my focus is nill.

my tumblr is full, my instagram is filled with pics, my neopets filled but my books remain unread for school lol

Angelo cat is cuddling me and demanding i sleep soon. My space is a mess. I need to clean tomorrow and venture out for groceries at trader joes before the storm hits.

February 23 2013

BLUEtwo
I feel lonely.

I feel myself being distant from those whom i used to be close to.


I quit being friends with tyler, teresa, airon, and chi.

I haven't seen them since decembers christmas fiasco and its honestly for the best. But still that was losing a chunk of my friends right there.

And jacque has this crazy idea that i love andy so she is fake nice to me pretty often but its fake and honestly i don't like jacque at all.

Andy and me don't get along lately at all after what happened to jarrett that one time and i don't respect him for his job and life situation and how he bailed on me on my birthday.

Ben has a gf now and has been very distant. I also fed up with he personality and how he isn't interested in much of anything i am.

Joes love for me gets in the way. But he is the closest thing to a friend after ben that i have. But he always has to come back to loving me. And i can't talk boys or love with him at all.


Laura and me are doing great but i don;'t see her often and she has Ben and we honestly don't have much in common either but im set on expanding this friendship more. when im around her im happy and i feel like she could have good potential for long term friendship.

Emily is great friend potential but she hasn't answered my text about study group on monday and i don't know if she is looking for friends.


Making friends used to come easily. Now its not so much.  I just gotta have faith that they will come with time.


But with the sepeartion of friends AND the loss of donna and marsha as close support network i feel pretty alienated.

Donna will answer my texts sometimes and meet me for lunch once every 2-3 months. She always keeps it short and sweet

Marsha never calls and she gets very defensive, offended and jealous of anything positive in my life. She is like a vampire when it comes to good news and i can't tell her anything postive without having to worry about offending her somehow.



So here i am. I lost friends this year. I am growing away from my family. And it takes two people to be close. But i will put an extra effort into cultivating friendships.


I will ask again about the study group with emily
I will try to go to lauras Oscar party sunday
I will continue to reach out to donna and marsha but accept that my family is not loving and around as often as i would like. and thats okay. its not because anything in me is lacking.

thats my secret worry. that im lacking something that makes people no want to stick around.


between the friends/family situation and the struggle with food and self control lately im just not too happy with myself. But i still love me. I see the potential of me.

i am going on lots of dates. 3 this weekend.

Nothing is coming of that. But who knows. Im seeing nick again sunday. i like him. and my date this evening could be good.

i have hope and lots of faith in myself. Its nothing im lacking. i just have to show the world my true colors by being 100% myself and people will love it.

February 19 2013

BLUEtwo

Fuck you

first of all fuck you for being so fucking cute.

for still inhabiting space in my head. for showing me my lack of self control. for making me crazy. for showing me how much i don't love myself because im not strong enough to leave it alone.


i don't even understand why im stuck on you. I guess im chasing a connection we had. a very very deep one. but something negates all that.

you abandoned me
you didn't care about the fire *** thats a BIG ONE.
you used me in someway shape or form its true.
you didn't love me in the same way i did you and you lied about it
you were selfish.

these things are never made untrue. the person i had an emotional connection with is gone. GONE. has been done since january 16, 2012. im living in the NOW.

and since im living in the now i want to know why i feel this way.

i want to talk to racheal honestly about my relationship with food. about my mom specifically and how mean the kids were to me. This is stuff in the past but it has something do with the fact i can't get over it and move forward to self love. I want to have more control over my eating for the most part but i also don't want eating to control me. or "dieting" or food in general.

i just want to feel like im more in control. I want to say honestly im normal. i dont' think my relationship now is normal. but im not sure where i stand. I don't think i have a eating disorder and i just want to not focus on food like i do. i focus on it by worrying about eating too much, about what im eatting alot.

but then i turn around and im at opposite ends of the spectrum where i ALWAYS eat when i get off work. reguardless of hunger. if i could stop that i would feel happier i think.

maybe i will try specifically starting friday after work to skip my after work snack and make that a small step to detaching my dependance on it after work.

is it normal to look forward to eating?
is it normal to enjoy cooking/planning meals?
is it normal to feel large amounts of guilt over eating "normally" and not diet foods
is it normal to have strong cravings and eat past being full sometimes?
is it normal to dream about food?
is it normal to refuse to eat certain foods?

i just need to know what is normal.

February 17 2013

BLUEtwo
I'm amazed first of all at who i am. lets just really be honest here. I could be something so much worse. So i am still in love with my ex from a year ago..so what? At least im not contacting him. And for good reason.

So what i eat too much. So does everyone else in the USA  and everyone else eats mcdonalds and shit. At least i filling my body with lots of mostly good foods.

So what if i lack self control at times.

So what if im a little lazy

a little messy.

i feel like i take this all too seriously. I could be a perfectionist. with the best house. the cleanest perfect clothes. but those things dont' matter to me.

I dont' want to feel shame.


There is this song i was listening to and it asked if your plane was falling out of the sky who would i call to say my last goodbye....good question. And it made me feel so alone to realize that everyone in the past i would have called i wouldn't call anymore. I really am growing apart and into someone new.

im accepting this.

i would have called marsha in the past. but everytime anything good happens in my life she hates me for it. im literally not allowed to tell her the good things in my life. Ben doesn't connect or understand. Joe does. but i cant allow myself to become attached to him or fall in love because of how wrong he is for me.

but i think joe might be who i would call.

maybe.

i don't even know what that means for me.
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